At a Loss & a Low

It's been a trying couple of weeks, as I expected it to be.  But I didn't know just WHAT to expect.  Deployments suck, there is just no nice way to go about describing it.  So many emotions from pride and love to seperation anxiety, tears & unexpected behaviors.  We have them all.  And I'm at a loss as to what to do for my sweet little boy.  He's been such a mean, aggressive, naughty little boy since daddy left.  I know where it's coming from, I know why....I just don't know HOW to help him or HOW to fix his hurting.  We talk about daddy all the time, he's been able to talk to daddy on the phone a few times; but what does a 4yr old have to talk about on the phone.  Today we found a way to video chat.  Due to bandwidth issues this was our 1st opportunity to see daddy and have him see us.  It was SO good to see him and hear his voice and Jonner was thrilled to show him his toys and make funny faces and was such a chatter box...until it was time to say goodbye and he burried his head into my chest and cried.  He cried for a good 30 minutes after we turned off the camera's.  I redirected him and we played and cleaned up the toy room and eventually he fell asleep.  I had to wake him up to take him to VBS tonight at our church.  He didn't want to go and I struggled with it.  He wanted me to hold him and carry him and I had to leave him crying and all the way to the car I cried too....and I'm still crying.  I hate that he's hurting so much and afraid that I won't be back for him.  I hate that I had to feed him a yogurt in the car on the way to VBS b/c if it doesn't have a drive thru I haven't "made" dinner since daddy left.  I hate that he's been so mean and tormenting towards the dogs.  I hate that he get's mad & frustrated so quickly that he hits me, sasses me, throw's fits and breaks things.  I know where it's coming from....but I'm at a loss.  I pray and I pray and I pray and it's dark and lonely and I miss my best friend....and these are new emotions for me.  We've been through a lot of deployments before and each has been unique and had it's struggles but this one has had a lot of storms and we're only at the beginning.  Jonner is such a daddy's boy and Eric is a great dad and enjoys & wants to spend time with Jonner and play in the dirt and be rough & tumble boys together.  They are two peas in a pod and I'm the vine.  They stick together while I feed and nourish their relationship.  Jonner is lost without his pod pal and I know Eric is as well and there's a drought and I'm drying up. 

I know my roots are still strong.  I know that I need to rest & refresh for this time Jonner is at VBS so I can get back on track and be the mom & wife I need to be for my two guys.  Sometimes things are so much easier said than done.  I feel guilty for wanting/needing a break.  I feel weak for having gotten sick and letting my house get out of hand so badly that I feel like I'm in a sandpit and getting sucked under.  I feel like a bad mom for not making sure my child has a healthy diet of 3 meals and snacks.  I know that my lack of routine is in part to blame for his acting out. 

Right now I just want to go pickup my child, bring him home, cuddle and fall asleep holding him.  And hope that tomorrow will be a better day for the both of us.   

Row, Row, Row Your Boat...

Today was going to be a busy one for me.  Run to the commissary, play catch up on the laundry, recreate a few things I've seen on Pinterest, put away Halloween and get out the turkeys & pilgrims.  Instead I was lucky enough to get up close and personal with the grout lines in my bathroom.  Showering this morning I noticed the water was draining slowly so I finished up so I could start my busy day.  I was greated by 1/2 an inch of standing water on my bathroom floor and the tub in Jonner's bathroom had backed up and had standing water in it.  The plumber has spent the morning cleaning the main line out and digging out roots but he believes there is either an impassable knot of roots or a break in the line.  WooHoo I was wondering how long we'd have a nice "cushion" in our savings account.  10 days, and we're wipped clean without a safety net.  Just when we start to get ahead we're knocked back down. 

Right now we're waiting for all utilities to come mark for any underground lines before the digging begins.  I wrote a check for 1/2 of what it'll cost to complete the repairs outside.  An insurance adjuster will be coming today to see how much damage was done to our bathroom from all of the water.  I've used every last towel (clean and dirty) to soak up the water.  Hopefully by this time tomorrow we'll be back to business as usual. 

Meanwhile I hope we can figure out the toilet situation, laundry, dishes....my sanity.  On a positive note, once it's all said, done, paid for we will have a 20yr warranty in our hot little hands!

Cup half full.....    of grimey, poop water.