No Waste, No Substitutions

New Beginnings bring change for all.  It's been posted, I am no longer a short order breakfast cook working on everyone else's schedule.  I know it'll take some time for the other members of his home to get used to the idea that I am taking back my life.  With this change I might also have to put on my big bad bitch hat.  The grocery situation in this house is out of control and I am having to reel it back in and take stock in every egg, carrot and piece of bread within these walls.  Unfortunately the budget doesn't allow for grazing or eating because you're board. 

This morning ran beautifully for the boy wonder and myself.  Oatmeal was served for all, he and I ate and were out the door with time to spare and no tears from either of us.  It was a perfect dress rehearsal for when he ACTUALLY returns to school tomorrow...Oops!  Oh well, I enjoyed the company as I dropped the dog off at the vet and ran to the grocery store. 

This is what I returned to...Sleeping Grumpy decided to sleep in and already broke my NO WASTE rule! 

Oatmeal not touched and he ate the last banana.  The mess was left on the table for me to clean and now that it's later and he had too much fruit there's another mess for me to deal with.  I'm hating life right now. 

On the plus side both child and man-child have been at peace with no fighting, yelling, cussing and both have stayed in their respective rooms today.

Maybe, just maybe it's a New Beginning miracle!?

2015 New Beginnings!

So I sit here with hundreds of blogs rolling around in my head and kicking myself for not putting a single one down in type.  November 2012....seriously the last one written.  It's a shame because I have so much jumbled up inside of me I know I'd feel better if I just let some of it go.  For me this blog is emotional therapy more than the number of followers I have associated with it.

I'm going to be honest.  I really want to start the new year of new beginnings out venting about our life circumstances.  But I'm going to hold off and I'll share another day.  Today I have positive things to share and with a new beginning brings new ways I NEED to look at things. 

Jman started Tae Kwan Do last week and he had class yesterday.  The weather was turning wintery and it was early on a Saturday morning.  I had other things on my mind and his instructor sat all the students down towards the end of the class and gave them (gave me) a very inspirational talk.  I can only paraphrase but I know you all will get the gist of it.  He said that only we (as individuals) can want better for us, we are the one to work for it and achieve it.  Now this is something I knew and have told others....but never have I heard it and felt it directed towards me.  Only I can want to make the change, I can't do it for others.  I can't expect them to want it for me and to make it happen.  Only me, I am the only one to hold accountable.  Now with this new found inspiration feeding me I accidently found a Facebook page of another military spouse that I know from our last base and former church.  She has lost weight, looks great and as I was scrolling thru her "Hope's Health" page I found this picture.  I decided last night that there will be change in 2015, change beginning with me. 

I'm not a runner but this picture really spoke to me.  Winter has finally hit Northwestern Illinois.  We woke up to 2-3 inches of fresh snowfall, 20 mile an hour winds and a temperature of -3.  My guys went out to plow and I snuggled back into bed this morning.  And the image of this picture immediately flooded my mind.  Today was presenting the perfect day to get started on my new beginning.  No more waiting for perfect conditions.  It's about my mindset:  I'm alive and awake, a perfect condition to get up and get moving.  I am morbidly obese when you put be on any doctor's chart for weight/BMI.  I don't even have a goal to start out with.  I just know that I am miserable.  I need to navigate and figure out a balance of taking care of myself AND caring for my family.  Too often the needs of others are put before my own needs and I get pushed further and further back and collect dust on a forgotten shelf.  I know I can't allow this to happen any longer.  My health and sanity depends upon it. 

 

Today I did something for myself.  I took a wintery walk, 2.42 miles in the snow and cold.  It was wonderful and refreshing! 

 

It's a new beginning.

30 Days of Gratitude

With Thanksgiving approaching I've decided to make a sort of journal and share the things that I am grateful for.  This is something I hope to continue but 30 days of baby steps will have to suffice.  This is something I'm doing for me to remind myself of the good things I HAVE in my life.  Because lately I feel like nothing but sadness has crept into every nook & cranny of my life.  But in an effort of gratitude I'm going to do my best not to drown myself in the yuck but reach out with hope and promise. 

Day 1:  Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Today I am grateful for the sunshine.  The warm, bright rays have chased away the demons that keep me down on the couch.  Today I can embrace the task at hand and accomplish it. 

Day 2:  Thursday, October 25, 2012
Today I am grateful that I was in and out of MPF on base to get my new id.  It may not be pretty but not having to wait is worth it.  I'm also grateful to have access to military bases and the life I have as a military spouse.  It's not always an easy one, but I'm proud to be apart of the military family. 

Day 3:  Friday, October 26, 2012
Today is a day of gratitude for my 2nd born.  Jonner is such a funny, loving, kind spirited goof-ball of a little boy.  He brings joy and laughter to each of my days.  He is a daily pop quiz delivered straight from God, there are days that I fail and days that I succeed beyond imagine and I learn from each of them.  There isn't a day that he isn't offering hugs and kisses or crawling on my lap to give me loves, he truly is my CuddleSnuggleLove a Bug. 

Day 4:  Saturday, October 27, 2012
I'm thankful today for my AK chosen sisters.  When we moved to Alaska I found a group of women and instantly friendship fell into place.  I experienced the hardships of deployments, homesickness and infertility with these ladies but I also experienced the joys of new additions to families, book club laughter and sleepovers with them.  They helped make our 3yrs in Alaska wonderful and the friendships created continue to thrive even though we're spread across the country.  I love my RHR's!

Day 5:  Sunday, October 28, 2012
After years of searching I'm thankful to have found a church home.  In the fall of 2007 I was a very pregnant mom to be I attended my 1st MOPS meeting at Cornerstone Christian Church.  Through that meeting I started attending church there.  Originally I started attending on my own but slowly Eric started attending with me and now is a constant companion sitting next to me during Praise & Worship Service.  It's a place that I can go and dive into my Bible, ask a question and know that God's word will be explained to me Biblically.  It's a place my son loves to be and at the same time he's learning God's word and memorizing scripture.  I am blessed to have a church family that practices what it preaches.  There are so many ways to share my God given talents with the different ministries and see the blossoming fruit from these efforts. 

Day 6:  Monday, October 29, 2012
Today I am thankful for the means to make my own Peppermint Powder Laundry Detergent.  It's eco friendly and I get the warm fuzzy for being "green" and not having to depend on a big cooperation to make one of my household necessities.  Having a chemical free house is important to me and I'm grateful to know you can have a clean home withouth the "tropical alpine waterfall" chemical cloud. 

Day 7:  Tuesday, October 30, 2012
It might sound silly, but today I am thankful for my sample sized bottle of Arbonne Aromassentials Awaken Body Lotion.  Today is going to be a long day of packing, getting the van ready and driving to Iowa and I know I'm going to need every boost I can get and using this stuff makes me happy, it's chemical free and doesn't dry me out like other lotions!  "With lemon for vitality and coriander for happiness"  I get paid nothing for this endorsement.....this stuff is just that good! 

Day 8:  Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Happy Halloween!  Today I'm thankful to have my friend Lynsi in my life.  I can openly talk to her about my emotions, anxiety and recent depression without worry of "labels" or her thinking anything negative about me.  She listens to me, she cry's with me and she prays with me. 

Day 9:  Thursday, November 1, 2012
Today I give thanks for Manny's Pizza and having a meal with family and friends.  I haven't seen my cousin Dana in 6 years, we both have 5yr old boys and it's just nice to sit down and spend time with someone you hold dear.  And it's funny how people can bring you together.  Dana met with me, my parents, her mom and her cousin from her mom's side.  Her cousin is dating a friend of mine from High School who I haven't seen....since graduation (1992) I'm guessing!  Food + Family + Friends = Fun! 

Day 10:  Friday, November 2, 2012
Today I am thankful for God's love and grace.  My Grandpa Malone and Uncle Mike both accepted Christ as their Lord and Savior today.  I'm so glad I was there to share and witness the confession of faith and that my son was able to see his Great-Grandpa  and Great-Uncle accept Jesus into their hearts.  God IS Good!

Day 11:  Saturday, November 3, 2012
Today I'm thankful for my hair and the splashes of pink in it I'm also thankful for my sister in law Jodi and having the opportunity to spend the morning with her as she chose a wig.  She is a strong example of a woman looking breast cancer straight on and fighting it with grace, dignity and a shining smile. 

Day 12:  Sunday, November 4, 2012
I'm thankful to be home in Iowa and to have been one of the people who lovingly surrounded my grandpa's bedside as he took his last breath.  Rest in Peace Grandpa, I love you.   

Day 13:  Monday, November 5, 2012
Today I'm grateful for my IL chosen sisters.  After moving to Illinois I had a hard time finding a place to "belong".  I was a military spouse, a bereaved parent, woman struggling with infertility and also a mom to be experiencing a high risk pregnancy and I felt very much alone.  It wasn't until I joined MOPS and met a few friends who introduced me to a few others and now they've all become so very important to me.  Ironically the majority of them are non-military.  These ladies are my go-to gals and my in case of emergency contact.  They are also who my son on occasion will refer to as an Aunt and their children are always his cousins.  He draws pictures of himself with his "cousins".  Their families have become apart of our family.  But what I love most about these ladies is that we make a point to get together once a month to sit as women and friends and share a meal and chat into the wee hours of the night.  They were a beaconing light for me when I felt very much alone and I am forever grateful for their love and friendship.  Thank you Tarts! 

Day 14:  Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Today I give thanks to my parents.  They have given me unconditional love and support.  They've been a wonderful example of how to make a marriage work with respect and love.  I know that I can turn to them any time I need and even though they may not like or agree with my choices they never take their love or hold my actions/choices against me.  I know that I was the guinea pig child and a lot of mistakes were made with raising me, I also know that I was a strong willed child and still am to this day but they love and accept me the way that I am.  I thank God for my mom & dad. 

Day 15:  Wednesday, November 7, 2012
I'm thankful today for my sisters Kristi, Bobbi Ann & Kaylee.  We've fought, made each other laugh and cried together.  We've been friends and enemies but through it all when push comes to shove we're there for each other. 

Wowza I'm half done with my 30 days and this journaling is really putting into perspective all the people and things in my life that I have to be greatful for.  I've barely made a dent into my "list".  I think this is something that I'm going to NEED to continue. 

Day 16:  Thursday, November 8, 2012
Today my Grandpa was layed to rest.  His urn was placed in the ground above my Grandma's heart.  I am so very thankful that I had all of my Grandparents alive and well into my 30's.  Jonner has already lost 2 of his Grandparents in the first 4 years of his life.  I remember you lovingly Joyce & Clifford (Cork) Malone and Eugene (Gene) Lutz.  I also remember Beatrice Lambertson (Grandma Lambertson) and Joan Lehne (Grandma Joan) two wonderful women who made an impact in my life.

Day 17:  Friday, November 9, 2012
I'm grateful for the cute little things Jonner says that brings a smile to my face.  I know eventually he'll say things correctly and as time goes by I'll forget but for now I'm thankful he says "We twogot to get groceries".  Twogot = Forgot.  Honestly can anyone say that doesn't make them smile too!?

Day 18:  Saturday, November 10, 2012
This next item I'm grateful for so many reasons.  My Pretty Pink Bible.  I'm thankful to be able to go to it any time day or night and find peace and comfort within it.  I'm thankful that it was a surprise Christmas gift from my husband a few years ago.  It was a well thought out thing for him to give me and shop for.  He didn't know much about religion or Bibles and he did his research asked Christian co-workers and found the perfect one for me.  He may not be the most Godly of men but I know God put him in my life and together we can grow in our faith. 

Day 19:  Sunday, November 11, 2012
Happy Veteran's Day!  I thank the men and women who have gone above and beyond in serving our great nation.  Without your selfless dedication and service to the United States we wouldn't be Home of the Brave, Land of the Free.  I am proud to be an American. 

Day 20:  Monday, November 12, 2012
I'm thankful for Jovie and Rain.  They annoy me, they get in the way, they smell bad but they love us and look out for us and if anything were to happen to either of them I'd be one sad mama.  I can always count on Jovie to sit at the window and give a warning bark if someone new is in the neighborhood, she's especially protective when daddy is away.  My Raindrops has become an old girl.  She's stuck by my side in good and bad times, always so well behaved and mild mannered....so very lucky to have such a good girl. 

Day 21:  Tuesday, November 13, 2012
So grateful that today is a school day for Jonner!  He enjoys school and it's a much needed break for me. 

Day 22:  Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Today I am giving thanks for a few ladies that have come into my life.  Alisha and Elise are both shining examples of God's love.  They've offered friendship, scripture and advice when needed.  They're both creative gals to boot and I miss our sewing nights! 

Day 23:  Thursday, November 15, 2012
I'm thankful that I can give back in a mentoring roll to new, young mom's.  I look forward to whatever roll I can assist with this year at Teen  MOPS. 

Day 24:  Friday, November 16, 2012
I give thanks today for a wonderful Thanksgiving meal shared with friends and other deployed families at Scott AFB. 

Day 25:  Saturday, November 17, 2012
I'm thankful for new friends but also the friends that have weathered the storms with me as well.  Tricia my bestie from college, Sarah my military spouse bestie, and DeAnn my local bestie.  Thanks for being sticking with me thru this hurricane of tears I've had lately. 

Day 26:  Sunday, November 18, 2012
So grateful to have found a sitter so I can have an impromptu girls night out.  "Nutcracker" here I come!

Day 27:  Monday, November 19, 2012
Thankful to have a little bit of a breather today and sit down to sew and do something calming for myself.

Day 28:  Tuesday, November 20, 2012
I'm grateful today to have the ability to move past a hurdle set before me.  I wasn't able to go over it but I've managed to figure away around it and still have things fall somewhat into place.  I'm also thankful that a good cry can clear my mind and allow me a moment to regroup. 

Day 29:  Wednesday, November 21, 2012
I'm thankful for our deployed men and women serving our nation and spending Thanksgiving far from home and away from their families.  Their sacrifice speaks volumes. 

I can't believe my 30 day experiment is coming to an end.  This has been a good avenue for me to express my gratitude and look at the my life in a new light. 

Day 30:  Thursday, November 22, 2012
Today I am thankful for my family and to have this day with them and share a meal together.  Happy Thanksgiving!

A care package for me....the recipient of a random act of kindness

I know many of you are like me and LOVE shopping at Target.  I don't know if any of you avoid it like I do though too.  Everytime I step foot into that store I spend WAY more than I want/need to on random stuff that we just can't live without.  Today I went in with only one thing on my list:  boy socks from the $1 bins.  Of course they only had girly socks, but Jonner found a Captain Hook hand for a buck and I figured "why not."  We wandered into the boy section of clothes because Jman has been growing and I needed to find.....whatever I could find for cheap.  Because the child needs nothing, but c'mon it's Target!  So after a Superman tee on clearance and an outfit on sale I let him look at toys with the knowledge that he has $2 to spend on a toy or save and have more next week.  Again....c'mon it's Target!  Like a 4yr old with a 5yr old complex is going to leave Target without a toy!  After going up and down and down and up the aisles and not finding anything for $2.00 I told him it was time to leave.  I started leaving and as we're getting closer to the checkouts he pipes up "but I want a hot rod" code for MatchBox.  Me wearing the BIG SUCKER stamp across my forhead turns the cart around to get his hot rod.  I think I heard Angels sing when he finally picked his '67 Pontiac GTO.  We could leave before I spent anymore money!  Just as we're coming out of the hot rod aisle I see this cute little red headed girl (the daughter of one of my dearest and closest friends).  I wanted to be the creepy lady that went up and offered her candy!  lol!  But Jonner was so excited to see her and her sisters that he ruined my creepy moment!  Ahhhhh sweet bliss of having a conversation with another adult as we were "those parents" letting our children run around the toys without immediate supervision.  C'mon really, it's only THE Target that a child preditor was waiting inside the restroom for a child to go into alone.  But there were 4 of them and when we didn't see them, we heard the heard of elephants laughing & running.  I know, I know, I don't need a lecture about child safety and it only takes a second.  Anyhoo, as we're standing there and all 4 children are not only within view but within 15 feet two hoity-toity snobs walk by us with a comment about no one watching those kids.  Ugh....bitches, if you want to make a point just make it.  Don't make snide comments in hopes that someone hears you being a snob.  Own it lady, it's not like I know you or will remember you the next time my child is running around Target! 

Not that these ladies made that big of an impact.  The kids were having fun, I had a moment like Rex in Toy Story 3 "He held me, he actually held me!" with having an adult conversation "I'm talking to an adult, I'm actually talking to an adult!"  Little things make big impacts.  Like the lady who heard me talking to Jonner in the toiletries about what we should put in daddy's next care package. 

Jonner was crying because he didn't get to give his best girl a hug goodbye after we went opposite directions at the store and in a distraction I was asking him what he thought daddy would like.  I noticed a lady walk by and stop, look at what I was looking at and kept going.  We picked a few things up, J saw his best girl and gave her a hug and we walked to the checkouts.  While standing in the checkout this same lady came up to me and asked "where is your husband", when I told her he's deployed she handed me a $10 bill.  She said she knew it wasn't much but that she knew "families need to be taken care of too".  How awesome is that!?  A randon act of kindness from a complete stranger, there are no words.  Just my big grateful heart and the knowledge that even though there are some snide people out there, there are also wonderful caring people who will go out of their way to make your day!  Thank you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

So speaking of care packages.  I decided to send a monthly themed package to Eric.  Now that he's received his first one I'll post the picture.  Its theme was "We're Blue Without You" everything was either blue or packaged in blue.  It was part Father's Day and part just because we miss him.  He didn't get the theme....a bit of a disappointment for me since I really worked at making it the color blue.  *eye's rolling* geesh, men! 

So now that he know's he's getting themed packages I hope he "gets" the ones I send in the coming months!  The softball is for my 2 guys to mail back and forth and play catch with.  They're going to each write/draw a message to the other and mail again.  This ball is going to travel a lot of miles!  The M&M's melted in the extreme desert heat, but surprisingly the Gatorade didn't explode!  Yay!  I'm sure custom's appreciates it more than me or Eric! 

Here Jonner is modeling the t-shirt he made for daddy for Father's Day.  It says World's Best Dad (Jonner's handprints) Hands Down.  J also finger painted his name and finger prints and made a fingerprint drawing of Kye for daddy.  My little love the artist, always remembering his brother!  This was a lot of fun to put together and I'm really looking forward to looking outside the box to make his next care package super special. 

P is for....

The Pulling up of my big girl Panties, Putting the Pity Party behind me....and making Popsicles with my favorite little man. 

As I sit here typing I'm reflecting on what I wrote the other day.  I was at a low and I needed an avenue to vent.  Releasing the frustration that had built up in me felt so good.  That evening I let Jonner sleep in my bed and we both slept really well and started a new day with a smile, laughter, songs & tickles....a perfect way to start the day with a new perspective.  A moment ago I watched him eat his afternoon snack of applesauce.  He licked it out of the bowl and when he finished he ran back out to the patio to play in the bin of soapy water I'd given him.  All of his SuperHero's are going for a swim today and rescuing each other from a soapy storm of bubbles.  He's in his little boy element and I'm looking beyond the mess and clutter to see a little boy having fun making a mess.  Thank goodness his mess is on the patio!  I'm taking the time to forget what will be waiting for me tomorrow and having fun with right now. 

Yesterday Jonner and I made our 1st batch of homemade popsicles.  I have great memories of homemade popsicles when I was a kid and I want to share and create new memories with Jonner. 

We bought our plastic mold, I found some healthy recipe's (if I'm going to make them I want them to be good for us too!) and our adventure began!

Fresh squeezed lime juice, lime zest, banana's and strawberries mixed with Greek yogurt, frozen orange juice concentrate (thawed) and a touch of honey to sweeten the deal!  I blended/puree'd everything until I had a liquid, poured into the molds and froze for a few hours. 

I think I was more excited to have our frozen dessert than Jonner after our dinner last night.  We sat on the patio and enjoyed our tart, frozen pops before heading to church for VBS. 

I say tart, but not quite pucker up tart, the tang of the yogurt and the touch of honey really made for a great popsicle!  I see many more popsicle variations in our future!  And my two favorite things about them:  we made them together and they're healthy!  I even let him have one for breakfast this morning :)  And he didn't even know he was getting a "good for you" treat!

Ah...the life of a busy little boy who know's his mama is distracted.  I hear someone sneaking into the frog habitat! 

At a Loss & a Low

It's been a trying couple of weeks, as I expected it to be.  But I didn't know just WHAT to expect.  Deployments suck, there is just no nice way to go about describing it.  So many emotions from pride and love to seperation anxiety, tears & unexpected behaviors.  We have them all.  And I'm at a loss as to what to do for my sweet little boy.  He's been such a mean, aggressive, naughty little boy since daddy left.  I know where it's coming from, I know why....I just don't know HOW to help him or HOW to fix his hurting.  We talk about daddy all the time, he's been able to talk to daddy on the phone a few times; but what does a 4yr old have to talk about on the phone.  Today we found a way to video chat.  Due to bandwidth issues this was our 1st opportunity to see daddy and have him see us.  It was SO good to see him and hear his voice and Jonner was thrilled to show him his toys and make funny faces and was such a chatter box...until it was time to say goodbye and he burried his head into my chest and cried.  He cried for a good 30 minutes after we turned off the camera's.  I redirected him and we played and cleaned up the toy room and eventually he fell asleep.  I had to wake him up to take him to VBS tonight at our church.  He didn't want to go and I struggled with it.  He wanted me to hold him and carry him and I had to leave him crying and all the way to the car I cried too....and I'm still crying.  I hate that he's hurting so much and afraid that I won't be back for him.  I hate that I had to feed him a yogurt in the car on the way to VBS b/c if it doesn't have a drive thru I haven't "made" dinner since daddy left.  I hate that he's been so mean and tormenting towards the dogs.  I hate that he get's mad & frustrated so quickly that he hits me, sasses me, throw's fits and breaks things.  I know where it's coming from....but I'm at a loss.  I pray and I pray and I pray and it's dark and lonely and I miss my best friend....and these are new emotions for me.  We've been through a lot of deployments before and each has been unique and had it's struggles but this one has had a lot of storms and we're only at the beginning.  Jonner is such a daddy's boy and Eric is a great dad and enjoys & wants to spend time with Jonner and play in the dirt and be rough & tumble boys together.  They are two peas in a pod and I'm the vine.  They stick together while I feed and nourish their relationship.  Jonner is lost without his pod pal and I know Eric is as well and there's a drought and I'm drying up. 

I know my roots are still strong.  I know that I need to rest & refresh for this time Jonner is at VBS so I can get back on track and be the mom & wife I need to be for my two guys.  Sometimes things are so much easier said than done.  I feel guilty for wanting/needing a break.  I feel weak for having gotten sick and letting my house get out of hand so badly that I feel like I'm in a sandpit and getting sucked under.  I feel like a bad mom for not making sure my child has a healthy diet of 3 meals and snacks.  I know that my lack of routine is in part to blame for his acting out. 

Right now I just want to go pickup my child, bring him home, cuddle and fall asleep holding him.  And hope that tomorrow will be a better day for the both of us.   

Lifting my Troubles to the Lord

Today I'm using this blog as a "self help" forum for me.  I am so troubled and I'm releasing it all to God and looking for strength and guidance.....

We've been matched with a birthmom.  Great news I know, I was giddy with excitement when I heard the news.  We've had time to marinade on the thoughts of it and even though I'm excited....there always has to be a but.  And boy do we have a BIG but.  The birthmom is in need of some financial assistance.  It's not much (less than $500 a month) but it exceeds the "extra" amount we have each month.  I just don't know what to do.  We're supposed to meet this mom today.  Do we stop our tithing, do we sell even more of our stuff....but eventually we'd run out of things to sell.  I know I should just trust that God will provide for us, but what if this baby isn't the one that we're supposed to have.  Am I missing the signals, is this a test to just trust.  I don't know and I'm not one to jump blind into something.  But that's what adoption is.  I'm finding peace in this scary time but frankly I was a blubbering ballbaby mess this morning.  And I feel on the verge of more tears. 

It doesn't help that Eric deploys in 3 weeks, that alone is enough stress for this mama. 

Please pray for guidance and peace for us thru this adoption process or having to make the decission that it's not a right fit.  Pray for us as we prepare for deployment.