Weigh in Wednesday - Wk 2

The Good the Bad and the Ugly....

First off, lurkers out there.....I know who you are!  Blogger has this great feature and I can track who looks at my blog.  I had an astounding 75 views last week on my Wk 1 blog....this is a great increase to my normal 3-4 views of an ordinary blog.  So if you're here to rubber neck an accident, keep moving and don't text and drive!  I accept comments and if you can't be supportive and encouraging I don't need you reading my blog! 

Ok, off my soapbox and my full attention is back to my faithful 4! 

Wk 1 goals were as follows:

• to love myself and be happy with even the littlest accomplishments, make time for me both physically and emotionally.
• be a soda free house

Did I succeed:

• I walked for 2hrs last Friday, I mowed the grass over the weekend and I've been on the floor playing a lot more with Jonner little accomplishments that I NEED to acknowledge.  They don't seem like much but I tried.  I did not make time for myself and I'm still in the loathing state.  I tried to make it to a couple of Weight Watcher meetings but it didn't happen (insert excuse here). 
• Happy Dance, Happy Dance!!!  We've been a soda free house for just over a week!!  I've been able to avoid the soda calling me with ice cold water & Crystal Light.  I think this heat has helped some because I've actually craved water & tea over soda.  I am happy to say I'm much less bloated and I think it's because the soda is out of my system and I've had little to no caffine withdrawl headaches....double YAY!  

Wk 2 goals:

• continue with wk 1 goals
• make it to a Weight Watcher's meeting (I've been paying for WW since March and have only gone 3 times)  
• fit a 30 minute workout in 3x a week 

My current thoughts:
My husband has lost a lot of weight recently and is looking GOOD!  I'm definately not feeling the pride I once did walking next to him.  So I really want to feel good about myself and have that sense of pride I once had when we were together.  He's golfing about 2-3x a week, playing softball 2x a week, training for a marathon plus working 40+hrs a week.....it's no wonder I can't find time for myself.  Ooops did I just type that!  I am proud of the work he's done to make himself feel and look better, but I'm also jealous.  Two years ago I decided I wanted to run a 5k and agreed to run with me while I trained the Couch to 5K program.  Not only did I complain, but I slowed him down a lot....and I knew it.  It made it easy to complain because I knew he wouldn't push me because I slowed him down....making it even easier to quit altogether.  I complained but I did feel better and more energized through the day, dare I say I miss running and feeling good.  While I was "training" I didn't loose a single pound.  Not ONE!  I did loose a lot of inches all over and I was starting to feel good about being able to pick cute clothes out. 

Now I have Eric training for a marathon, several friends who have completed a half marathon and here I am just wanting to be able to run a 5k in 30ish minutes!  Can I do it?  I know it, you know it, we all know I CAN.  But will I find the motivation and the drive within myself to do it and finally follow through with something?   

Chronic Illness

 

My life with a chronically ill child.  Jonner has dealt with ear infections since he was 9-10 months old.  Doctors told us that he would have to wait until he turned 2 to have tubes put in.  A month before his 2nd birthday I made an appointment with the ENT at St. Louis Children's Hospital and we were told he'd have to have tubes and tonsils and adnoids removed along with stay in the hospital for observation because of his age and having all 3 done at the same time.  I knew that it would make my baby feel better and I never regretted or worried about him.  11 months after his tubes were put in he had his 1st ear infection.  It was nasty and gross but we knew with the drainage the tubes were still in place and doing what they were intended for.  A few weeks later one tube fell out and the other remained and he started having infections in the ear that no longer had the tube so this last March we took our little boy in for his 2nd round of tubes....fast forward 4.5 months and he has another ear infection.  Last week his left ear started draining and I took him to our PCM right away.  He prescribed an antibiotic and ear drops....his ear is so gunked up the drops just roll out.  Today the other ear is dripping a gross goo down his ear lobe onto his shirt.  His poor little ears hurt to touch, they're raw from me wiping the goo and he's a bit on the cranky side.  I'm thankful he's not too cranky, as I type he's playing nicely in his room with his superhero's and he's dressed up as Spiderman.  A happy 3yr old until the Tylenol wears off or I need to hold him down to wipe or administer drops. 

No mother wants to see her child in pain, I'm no different.  I wish I could carry this pain for him - goo and all.  It breaks my heart to have to hold him down to wipe with a warm cloth and put drops in.  Tomorrow we see the ENT at STL Children's Hospital again.  I pray for answers and relief for my Jman.

Getting to the song/video above.  A friend from high school recently started blogging and was trying to figure out putting music to her blog.  After reading her well written blog about finding a sacred spot I decided I'd play around and see if I could figure out music from her link.  My playing around ended up adding this song/video to my own blog.  I think God is reminding me that today I need to take a few minutes and find some sacred silence to reflect, say a prayer and let all the goo drain away from me. 

A prayer to let go, God is in control.  A prayer for mommy strength.  A prayer for Jonner to heal.  And a praise for a sweet little boy who just came up to me and said "Mommy I love You" and gave me a big sloppy Tylenol kiss.  I look forward to nap and cuddling with my Bug until he falls asleep and then finding a sacred spot for me. 

Weigh in Wednesday - Wk 1

My good friend started her own Weigh in Wednesday section of her blog and in an effort to support her and a big dose of trying to motivate myself I've decided to join her on Weigh in Wednesdays.  I'm not to the point yet that I can be open and honest about my weight in numbers.  But I will be honest in saying that I deal with a lot of self loathing, making excuses, I have good intentions but sucky follow through.  I want to be the mom that can run and play with her kid without being pooped just getting out of the chair.  I want to be a good role model for my kid....I have a lot of wants and what I feel is even more failures.  I'd cry if I thought it'd help, but I know it won't and maybe I'm just to lazy to cry. 

A couple of days ago I saw a recent picture of myself and couldn't help but think "is that me?  when did I get that big?  am I really that fat?  that can't be me....I'm not THAT big am I?"  Yes, that was me.  When did I become the fat, unhappy woman who is seldom real with people?  Where did the skinny, fun, say it like it is girl go?  I know where part of me went.  (after typing a big story...I realized it was just another excuse - and I need to get away from the excuses.) 

Why do I do what I do when I'm sad, lonely, having a lot of anxiety?  Why is food my comfort?  Another truth....I'm the first to give up on myself. 

What I need:  to love myself and be happy with even the littlest accomplishments, make time for me both physically and emotionally.  So this will be my goal for this first week.  I know it's a big goal that will take a long time but I also know I need to be in the right mind-set to be able to acheive even a little bit.  And soda free - right now we're a soda free house, let's hope it stays that way this week. 

And the blonde here just realized it's Thursday!  Gotta LAUGH OUT LOUD at myself!

A quick trip "home"

As a kid growing up in Iowa was nothing special.  Field of corn, field of soybeans, oh look there's a cow!  I desperately wanted to live in a different state.  Let's face it saying "I'm from Iowa" isn't all that fashionable!  Last weekend my family made a quick trip to Iowa City and back in about 36hrs.  Even though we've been to Iowa too many times to count from our current home in southern Illinois this time we took a differnt route into the heartland of my home state.  As soon as I saw that Welcome to Iowa sign I took a deep breath and a calm came over me.  Iowa is a beautiful state.  I've done a lot of travelling by car and seen and lived in tranquil, beautiful parts of the US but Iowa is my home.  No where else will you find rolling hills of green (too many shades of green to count) and the green is splashed with white from Queen Anne's Lace and purple Clover & Coneflowers and it all meets with a clear blue sky.  It's beautiful and peaceful and it's HOME.  Iowa may not be fashionable but my roots run deep in Iowa and now as an adult I'm proud to say "I'm from Iowa".

Like I said our trip was quick.  Eric needed to check in on his stepmom who is being treated with chemo for her luekemia at U of I Hospital in Iowa City.  Many moons ago I attened the University of Iowa - I left in 1996 and boy has that place changed!  Through the change my old crusty apartment building still stands crustier than ever!  It's surrounded by sparkling new townhouse apartments and it sticks out like a sore thumb!  It's been a long time but I didn't expect that much change, I nearly got lost on 5th Street in Coralville!  My favorite fast food restaurant Dill Burgers was gone and something new stood in it's place.  It was nice driving up the hill and pointing out to Eric Carver Hawkeye arena and explaning that it's set into the ground and going by Kinnick Stadium.  Seeing his eyes bulge at the size of the stadium and saying we need to get tickets to "come back for a football game" really warmed my heart.  He know's I bleed Hawkeye black and gold.  I sure do love that man!

A quick update on Jeanette since she's the reason we drove into Iowa's heartland.  She's doing alright.  She was better Saturday than she was Sunday.  It was sad to see her face when we all left Saturday evening.  I could see the disappointment of knowing she was going to spend the rest of the evening alone.  I think all the visiting from Saturday wore her out and Sunday she looked tired and really had a cough to her.  They had to give her a medicine to get rid of extra fluids (it made her pee often) and had to had blood drawn so they could check the oxygen level in her blood and as we left Sunday she was going down to Xray for a chest xray.  I wanted to let her rest yesterday so I'll be calling today to see how she's feeling and the results of the xray and blood/oxygen test. 

Our trip back to southern Illinois was uneventful with the exception of bringing back our 13 yr old niece.  Jonner's in hog heaven with the extra attention and she's a beautiful, sweet girl.  I took her to the library yesterday and she signed up for the reading program on base and started reading Eclipse...it's no wonder I love that girl!  I woke up this morning to her puking :(  She's resting and Jonner walks up to her side and says "Mommy, Cierra don't feel good, she needs to feel all better so she can play with me".  So I'm taking my cue that little man needs some attention and it's time for me to wrap this up and get on the floor to play with him. 
 

Update on my Mother in Law

My mother in law Jeanette remains in the hospital in Iowa City.  They had to stop the chemotherapy to clear up her lungs.  A chest xray last week showed a growth and after a biopsy of the area they determined it to be a yeast infection - we're thankful it wasn't cancer and can be treated with antibiotics.  However the chemotherapy and lung issue created a flare up of emphesema (she hasn't smoked in 20+ years) and she had to be put on oxygen.  So right now the chemo is on hold until the infection in her lungs can be fixed.  She seams to be in good spirits and has had visitors almost daily and is receiving a lot of cards and well wishes.  Her nurse told her she must be pretty popular back home!  I'm glad she's receiving a lot of love from everyone.  We're making a quick trip to IC this weekend to see her.  They typically don't let anyone under the age of 5 in to visit due to the nature of germs the little ones might carry, but are going to make an exception for us to bring Jonner in for a short time as long as he's not sick and Jeanette is having a good day.  They'll both probably have to wear masks but the nurse said for her emotional well being she felt it'd be good for Jeanette to see her grandson.  We're lucky to have a lot of support in IC to help us out if Jonner's not able to go visit grandma.  I have an aunt who said she'd be available to help if needed and Eric's sister & dad will also be driving to IC.  So if nothing else we can all take turns visiting.  And having the hotel booked by the hospital for naps & pool time doesn't hurt! 

Please continue praying for Jeanette and the family. 

                                         Jonner with Grandpa & Grandma Smith (Smiff)

Well Looky There...

A girl from Iowa makes her 1st blog post!

I've been following some of my favorite bloggers for months now and as I read, I think....I really need to journal my thoughts, the triumphs and trials I have with Jonner.  Share with friends and loved ones the funny things he says and does.  And now that we've jumped head first into the process of domestic adoption I know Inquiring Minds want to KNOW! 

Blogging is scarry....I want cute & creative and frankly I'm not very computer savvy to figure out how to apply the cute and creative touches that simply make me, me.  Not to mention the way things sound in my head sound so much better than when they're on black and white!  Bare with me, by the time we get it figured out I'll probably be onto something new!  Right now I'll attempt to have fun, share my thoughts, the joys Jonner brings into our lives, and the up and up with our adoption process. 

The Best Tiger Ever!