"A" is for Adoption Anxiety

I've had a lot rolling around in my head today.  Adoption anxiety & restlessness.  Patience has never been one of my strong points. 

Last week I had a weird dream.  Jonner and I were sitting in a hospital waiting room with two other families waiting for the social worker to come talk to us.  When she came in she said "a child is available for adoption, I just need to look at your files to find out which family is a compatable match".  One family stood up and said they were only interested in a newborn, the other family stood and said they wanted a child 2 or younger.  I stood and said we're willing to adopt a child 3 or younger as long as the child is younger than Jonner.  The social worker announced with a big smile "you're the new family of a 3yr old girl"!  Jonner and I were overjoyed and the other two families left the room.  I quickly texted Eric (who was a work) "it's a girl and she's 3yrs old".  We were escorted into a private room where I met my new daughter, she had dark hair and eyes and was named Sonja.  I held her and Jonner tried to play with her and she was shy and unsure of both of us.  I was just looking at her and noticed she had an ouchie on her wrist and someone had put duct tape on her ouchie instead of a bandaid.  It was then a nurse came in and whisked her away and informed me Sonja had an infection. 

Then I woke up.  I had to experience my new child already being taken away and even though there hadn't been a "formal" bonding time, she was mine and I wasn't ready to let anyone take her from me...from us.  Her family.   

The anxiety I experience comes with the wait and not knowing a timeline of when we'll get a referral.  I worry about the cost and being able to afford adoption.  I plan on applying for grants but they're few and far between and I can't bank on receiving a grant.  Do we borrow, fundraise, get a loan?  Unfortunately Eric and I are not on the same page when it comes to how we'll pay.  I'm naturally a planner and would rather know where the money is "in the event of" and not be pressed when we have a huge bill and are trying to finalize the adoption 6 months after placement.  Not to mention the cost of diapers & formula.  I know families get by all the time and I know we too will figure it out.  

Today was my first big day of anxiety...not too bad for once in the first 6 months.  Going into this journey I knew it wasn't going to be a quick one.  I trust that the Lord has hand picked our child and I pray for this child and his/her birthfamily. 

We continue to network with family and friends in hopes that one of you out there will know someone who know's someone who is wanting to make an adoption plan for her unborn child. 

Please continue to pray for our family during this adoption process.